Parentspeak - the Intricacies of Talking to Children

Yesterday my son (he's 14) told me about something he wanted to do. During his exposition of this grand plan, I could feel every parental nerve in my body sending warning signals to my brain. I listened, trying to be patient and not interrupt, and shout "There's no way I'll allow you to do that!" After he was finished, I said, "I don't think that's a good idea." I repeated myself several times, hoping he'd get the gist of what I was telling him. It didn't work.

Later that evening, he told my wife about what he wanted to do. She was much more direct in her answer. It was, "There's no way I'll allow you to do that!"

At this point I inserted myself into the conversation, and said, "I already told him no."

Son's rejoinder: "You said it wasn't a good idea."

Father's response: "That meant no!"

When I said it wasn't a good idea, that was a verbal clue which meant he should take the opportunity to carefully reconsider his plan, and decide not to go through with it. This was a parental exercise in helping children make good decisions. I was giving him an opportunity to think it through himself, and come up with the correct plan (read: cave, and agree with dad on this one).

I was trying to be more of a sounding board for his thinking, rather than being the controller of
his destiny. It didn't work this time, but I'm sure I'll try it again.

Maybe it will work. But I'll keep trying.